we are all duplicates of the same person with tiny changes in color size shape and personality
and sometimes we revolve around those changes but we are all the same person and the reason there is so much hate in the world is because there is so much hate in the self
i’m not putting this under a readmore.
i drove past some people today and i started to feel anxious
it was strange… I didn’t know how it happened, but I felt like i wanted to tear myself apart
it was a simple scene, a few adults standing on the porch talking to kids running around in the backyard. They were so suburban, so…
there was something in that moment that felt eternal. It felt like it could defy everything that I’ve known. It would transcend all other human innovations and cultivate in that moment, and it made me want to strip myself clean from the inside
then after that all human interaction made me feel combustible, and I secluded myself
i felt like they were the most important people in the universe and at the same time the only time they will be significant in my personal universe is the few seconds I saw them as I drove past them on my way home
maybe seeing both of those, the significance and insignificance was too much for me
my brain tried to concieve the paradox and it made me want to die
and i still want to die because what is the point if we never really existed in the first place?
in eternity, how exactly can one define existence? forget significance, i’m talking existence. if something existed for a milisecond, does it count as existing? If you think you see a ghost in the corner of your eye, and to you in that second, it existed, then does it count as existing? our existence, our entire being is less than that in the span of eternity and it doesn’t make sense why we should prolong the torture of wondering why
the why that fills our brain to the corners that spills out into our lives
the why that we ignore so we don’t break down and cry the why that we can’t bare to face except in the blackest nights
and every time a man faces his why, he shies away and faces the television or the present because it keeps him healthy it keeps him sane
i just want to know if our existence is a possibility, if we’re just the shadow in the corner of someone’s eye
if we all, spinning madly through the cosmos, live in between seconds
and wondering why why why why why does this happen to us why do we live why do we all exist or not exist
why does it have to be such constant pain? if that is the meaning of existence then death is preferable to any sort of pointless agony
i once thought that death is the savior of life— in death all of our mistakes are washed away and our peers around us see only the good, the death washes away our mistakes and highlights our good deeds… death saves life
but maybe it doesn’t
maybe death is the savior of life by ending the questions by silencing the wail of humanity
death saves life in its permanence, when life hinders death by putting forth these questions by forcing sentience upon those who never asked for it
a couple of atoms of carbon that twisted together and forced to wonder where and why and how and it’s all too much sometimes
what is the point of asking so many questions if the only answer lies with death? what is the point of being born with curiosity that can never be satisfied? We constantly rely on posterity to answer the questions, to climb on top of our dead corpses and rise above higher and higher to touch the stars, until the youngest will stand atop the dead, champion of death, prick her finger on a star and whisper to god
and we will know the truth, but we can’t and we won’t because we were born into a mystery to see how that mystery will hold us. we were born in a mystery to see if we would wonder, to see if we would live. Death is the only thing that’s certain. not even life. Not even existence. Death. is the only thing that is certain.
just putting this here
now that my mind is calmed down i got really really really really tired
i’m glad that it stopped firing so rapidly
humans were granted pleasure because without it reproduction wouldn’t be on anyone’s agenda
perhaps gandhi was right maybe sex does take away from mindfulness
oh well
i’m not the fuking mahatma
each person has his own reality
each person exists in their own world, the chapters of their life flipping past like pages in a book
That’s how you can live in one room for your whole life and think back ten years ago and realize that your perspective has changed completely
sometimes I feel like I can shift through the layers of my world, Sometimes I can see the world through a tint that I have never experienced, and I become someone else for a moment
at night when I lie in bed, I feel ill and my body becomes someone else’s. I don’t know how to explain it but I become something else, I have more than one stomach, but I know in reality that I don’t
I’m admitting to things I shouldn’t. These are things I need to tell a therapist because maybe I’m going out of my mind
STOP MICAH STOP YOU REALLY NEED TO STOP BEFORE YOU SELF HARM
also hi guys how are u tonight
i’ve never been one to trust blindly
or no, that’s a lie. I’ve been able to trust blindly when I was desperate for it. I was desperate for some sense of meaning in life and I found it. I found it in Christianity. Because I had so many questions and no one was giving me the necessary answers for it and I just… I accepted the version that anyone threw in my face
I embraced it because I was scared of eternity
And now that I look back, Godless and faithless, I still fear eternity, but I took off the blinders that I wore
I don’t have a religion, and I don’t believe in much because I don’t believe blindly. You can’t ask me to have faith when I have so many questions. You can’t ask me to believe that some sort of… magical being from above turns his omniscient eye to this blue little smudge of a wasteland
we’re accidents, not creations. If we were creations, we’d be cared for. If there is a god, maybe one day he’ll remember that he created us and reach down and help us
but until then, we are toddlers left in the trash, we live a godless existence and that is my opinion
I believe that even when I’m not upset. Sometimes, I’m alright with being alone. It’s merely a fact. “Okay. We’re alone. No sense crying about it and wasting my time being miserable.” If we were brought up with the knowledge of our alienation in the universe— our alienation from God, his non-existence, we would accept that. We would be alright with it because that is what we grew up to know. But because we have to let go of something, it sounds even worse.
But yes.
Alright I need to stop for a little bit.
we are all the victims of possibility and the bringers of fate
what if in each one of us lives a universe just as diverse as our own
what if each atom held itself a universe in its core
what if we are composed of the universe while the same time being it
why
why why wjy why why can’t i stop thinking about these things why won’t these questions leave me alone what is the point
there is no point in it, i know there is no point for the chemical imbalance in my brain that forces me to question my own existence but being a human everything naturally has to have a reason, because everything in my personal existence has a reason
i hate that phrase “everything has a reason” i fucking hate it because you know what
nothing has a reason
we create our own reason and it’s the most difficult task that takes an entire lifetime to put together
